Thursday, November 4, 2010

the blinded vision

I never thought i would encounter this day of my life. What looked seemingly possible that time looks herculean now. The reason is simple. Perhaps, I do not have the will power that i had before. I always wondered how I am going to confront this to my daughter. Why should she even know this? Does she really deserve this? Well, she is fine, happy. Won't i sabotage her happiness when i break the ice to her? It looked daunted. So, i decided to post it to our home address. Although we were separated by distance, we always shared the bond. Now, as i write this letter, i wonder, if i would ever give a justifiable answer and convince her.

Two most important life changing decisions that turned my life were; adopting her, and not telling her how the world looks like.

Dear you,

Hope you got my presents for your birthday. I am little busy with work, but I promise I will come and see you soon. I got your letter where you had sent your pictures and drawings. They look fabulous. Remember, you had always wanted to know, "how the world looks like, right?" I believe the day has come for you to know.

Honey, the world looks beautiful. There are so many things that you haven seen. All of us move in the vibrant colors that are cast up on us while you move in the dark. But, you know what, only you of all the kids, aren scared of the dark. Everyone is very surprised seeing you. Next summer, I will take you to the Olympics, and you can feel the spirit of people, which you always wanted to sense. But, I guess you should now know the truth, which for years I have not told you. I apologies for that.

You were born blind, I adopted you. Like other kids, you cannot see the deep blue ocean, thick green leaves, varied colored butterfly. But what you see is something not all of us would want to see, enjoy and live with it. And that is the dark. Most of us, including me are scared of it. We do not want to be in the dark. But you live with it and that is something I am proud of. Earlier, I told you, the world looks beautiful, but i do not think, you want to see any of it, for your world is much more beautiful than what it really is. I love you for what you are.

I do not want to sugar quote and put it in a way which might convince you but not my conscience. People generally call you as god's own kids. I do not believe in any such thing. That dude shows partiality. But what I do know is, he always has something in store for all of us and so for you too.

Believe in the strong spirited air, pouring rain and the sweet scented flowers for they are your world.

With love

I re read the mail for the tenth time and tore it into pieces and just sent the chocolates and flowers to her. I did not have the will power to tell her even now. In life, confrontations are the most difficult choice a person has. She need not know, Life is not as sweet as the flower she smells or that it is not smooth as her flawless smooth skin, but how much ever life sucks or take you to and that it is not bed of roses, you can always smell the roses on your path, pluck few, gift to your loved ones and move on.
I see her picture. Those eyes, they really need not see this world.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The uninterrupted.

One step further and i know i would be gone. Something like another step to death may be. All that i remember was, i ran a lot, a lot with a hope to re live my lost life, and there i stood in front of the great canyon. Oh lord! How would it be, if you were to die, with out living that last part of your life, the way you want to. Yes, its very uncanny. It was like i am going back to the sky. I slipped my hands out of the window to feel the snow. I ran down, across my living room. I nibbled some cheese and took a luxurious walk in the kitchen floor. It was annoyingly freezing, barely anything left to eat. I cursed the folks in the house and comfortably slept next to the window.

I woke up in a shocking state. Now what's that. Zilch was'n home. He went for a walk. I came down sleepy eyed. I saw a vaguely dark grey thing. Now what is THAT or may be a human, doing near my door? He came closer, closer, as if i am going to get disappeared in his misty eyes. Eee.rr. Who are you?, i asked rubbing my eyes. Now his satanical looks bought the crap out of me. I ran out side to cry for help. Ii turned back and the demon was standing beside me. Oh no. Die. Die. I screamed and ran to hide myself from the life eating grey stuff.

Zilch i squalled. Now i reassured, he still has not turned up home. So its time for me to save my ass myself. Phew, so many thoughts gushed in to mind, as i ran breathlessly. He ran after me. One stop, and i would be his prey. I cant stop, i am not supposed to die, i have so many things to do. The left out cheese in the fridge, my first crush, the kitchen, Oh thoughts after thoughts.

Now who is this life sucking grey moron after my life. What does he know about me? he cannot take my life like that. I am still too young to be murdered. Will he sell me? or take me for ransom, will my parents have enough money to get me back from him, if at all he takes me?
I stumbled, i was too tired to run now. I dived, i ran after my life so much until i stopped before this big canyon that stinked bad. Ok, i urged myself to do that big jump. The one i have never done so far, i turned back to see one last time the cheese piece, the kitchen floor, thought of zilch and the grey thing ravenously racing behind me.

I closed my eyes, i did the big jump. All that i remember after that was some one splashing water on my face. Ugh! i got up, and i found my mom staring at me. Phew, got up, saw outside the house. No snow fall but a bright sun beaming through the sand glass on my table. No cheese pieces, no grey thing, and oh yeh the great canyon was my kitchen sink(yes that stinks sometimes), and zilch, my pet dog was back home after his morning walk.

And, i was a rat?. And the grey thing was the cat, which annoyed me last summer by howling all time, so i sprayed perfume into its eyes. :-| * true story*

Dreams, i tell you!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I am a sweet little child,
Oh, i so want to play,
I am sweet, sad, weak, strong;
Could you sing a lullaby?
Oh, i so need this

I am the god sent angel,
Oh, i am called this way,
I am evil, bad, cursed, blessed;
Could you hold me tight?
Oh, i so need this

I am a bird with no wings,
Oh, i have been this way,
I am tender, delicate, famished, shot,
Could you take care of me?
Oh i so need this

I am a strange sea,
Oh, i need to find my way,
I am blue, deep, ferocious, lost,
Could you guide me?
Oh i so need this

I am a slow dying flower,
Oh, i am losing my petals,
I am soft,colorful, redolent,
Could you smell me?
Oh i so need this

I am a mirror,
Oh,I cant see myself,
I am invisible, plain, slender,beautiful,
Could you see me?
Oh i so need this

I am unknown,
Oh, i want to find myself,
I am happy, vibrant, confused, faceless,
Could you show me?
Oh i so need this

I am irraggiungiblie:)

Self written.

Some time, you need those moments,when you want to rediscover yourself. isn't it?
Been there, done that!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Death and how can you heal!

This note is for you, just for you, as i missed being with you every single day, seeing you grow with me.The way you used to smile at me every morning waving your wide spread arms. What haven't we shared?
Where have you gone? When i saw your face, i knew i was doing okay. The life that was to recede was brought back by you.Now your gone.The day is not far.I'll be gone in no time too!

where have those days when you shrouded me when the storm blew everything up gone?
where have those days when you gave me all the warmth when i was stamped by all gone?
where have those days when you gave me a wide spread smile every morning gone?
where have those days when you gave me shelter during times of floods gone?
where have those days when we enjoyed the bliss of dancing in rain together gone?

I am here, a thousand miles away from you.Broken heart.Nothing but just tears overflowing, as i see people walk past me. Those dark secrets that we shared, those conversations that only us and none were able to understand has gone by the wind.

You can't make this any good, for your taken, your plundered from the very root. Those trucks, bulldozers and the people just din leave you here. It's so hard.I tried so fiercely , but nothing went well.I stood back holding my tears, seeing those imprint of your roots.Seeing you go so far and then you vanished in no time.

I stood here for years unaccompanied, none to shroud,warm, or dance with me. Today i am 100 years old i believe, waiting to get my parts chopped to make oils, papers and cup boards.
I am happy today for i am going to be no longer alone.It's time for me.I am happy today as i think about this.Those tears with which i stood still when they took you away, the warmth that i missed for years, the rain dance that never made me happy after you were gone, has all withered like dead petals now.And as i am chopped now,i again reiterate, i am gone too with the wind in no time!

This won't change.They want us badly.I am taken in the truck.I go with them seeing the imprints of my roots.How much those deep roots have seen.Tears.Smile.Hug.What not? I look back to see if anyone is crying for me, and i just see a bright sun shine!

And i was gone!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The recast!

Everything was very weird that day! It was dark, the sky was red. It took a long time for me to wake up and I was looked up on as a scary creature. I once believed I was the greatest in the entire universe. I thought nothing would work or move without my exertion of strength, power. The pride and the legacy that I held for years were going to get shattered that day. I saw him, my little brother, getting ready to retaliate on me.I could not justify his retaliation. He felt he was not given all importance; does not wield as much strength as I do. He never changed or was a cause for change. The spring tides might wait for him but nothing else I cogitated once. But never have I disrespected him. Come on we brought human life. Without us nothing goes smooth. But my fate was sealed. I had to witness my gross death by my very own kin.
The clock started ticking, and I was expecting my brother to appear before me to blow me off. They happily were preparing for my demise. My death was so welcomed by the world, which once considered me of some incarnation! Some take my blessings, some stalk me for hours. It was annoying and eerie when they sent stalkers to keep a track on my pace. I never despised, but this day! They called it remarkable, they called it a history. I was dying! How would it feel, when u know you’re going to die and the world would see and rejoice and yet you have to work till you die. What if I had shut off before I died? What would have happened, had I not shown up one day? They never thought of all that. I see the flowers, bees, birds, and clouds as happy as ever. My counterpart was getting ready to blow me off, and take my position, my pride, the legacy that I was holding on to. It was not scared, for I am not afraid of death.It was not one or two years but fourty years for him to avenge his anger on me. Every day I turn back to my place after my fulfilled day, I have never seen my brother wait for me to treat me with greet. It read 10:50 A.M. I was beating for my life. I could not take this, I would mind if the cloud covers me, the wind blowing me. But my very own brother who perpetually held the universe and dominated to great heights shook my soul. I was burning; the clouds and sky became dark. I saw my brother approaching me. He was as young as ever. His pure heart reflected on his very appearance. Jealousy, the lust for taking my power, my vigor, and my pride was seen in his eyes. I smiled at him, as I did not want to disappoint him. I stood still there. I gazed at his white face as it has been years since I saw it. He approached my boundary surrounded by fire; the time was 10.59 A.M and in another wink I was going to be engulfed in his arms and the world would rejoice this moment. People gathered and hailed to see this very moment that is happening after fourty years in the history. My death was very slow unlike before. It was painfully long. Four hours of painful engulfment to death. Winds stopped, it was dark all of a sudden. I surrendered for my greedy brother happily. He blew me off. My death was captured. Those alien creatures and stalkers surrounded my half dead debris and spread their metallic rods. I smiled and resented the moment. Before i disappeared, he looked at me and said," see you, i am born after you die". And I was gone. The dark night prevailed. I took a new birth the next day.

I shined again!