Friday, February 7, 2014

I wish, I told him "I love you!"

[Play the link above as you are reading, it gives more feel to the whole story, or so I think]
I have never really enjoyed festive season. It reminds me of the things that I do not have and makes me sad. It was a cold December night, when my husband got a call. He had to leave to the Army camp as it was an emergency and warranted his presence. He would not disclose anymore information. I was very angry at him, as he promised me, we would spend Christmas and New Year together. I did not talk to him that night, and went to bed angrily. The next morning, I woke up to see a note left by him, saying "I will be back soon. I love you" with a small pendant next to it. Tears rolled from my eyes as I sat holding that piece of note and pendant in my hand.


The day after Christmas, I got a call. I remember dropping the tea cup that I was holding in my hand and I woke up two days later in a hospital near by. I was told, my husband passed away. I looked out of the window, as it was snowing and drew a heart through my finger tips on the moist window pane.We always wanted to kiss under the snow. I was discharged, arrived home and the whole house felt so empty. It was a new for me to live all by myself in this big woody house that he bought for us. However, I always knew, I will see him soon and that we will have a Christmas together. Only this time, he is gone and there is no coming back. I shrugged my legs, sat on the couch reading the note, and fell asleep.


It's been 7 years since he is gone, and there is not even one moment, I do not think about him. Everybody says I have to move on, I should go out a lot and I might find love again. It's not the truth. Everyone has a HIM. I found him, loved him, married him, and he is gone now. If there is one thing that I can do, I want to rewind 7 years to that cold December night, hold him tight and say how much I love him and want him to be careful. Perhaps, that would make me feel better. But, now, I only have memories and the guilt that I did not talk to him the night before he left. I go to bed crying, thinking about that night. I have trouble sleeping at night, and I am very scared, actually.


I visit the nearby park during Christmas night, sit on those benches looking at the colorful Christmas lights and the snowy sky, wishing him to be next to me, holding my hands.
I know Christmas/ New Year is not going to be the same anymore. I hate festive season, it makes me feel sad, that I lost the one good thing I had and I am never going to have him back.

Sometimes, It is alright for adults, to be kids, be possessive,  to make mistakes and perhaps go to bed crying. 

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